he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I think i got beer on your cat.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
