Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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