I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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