he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
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