the condom got lost in my hair
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
