Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
Randomize
