Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
