He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
