I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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