Christians are straight up FREAKS
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
