i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
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