Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
Randomize
