Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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