I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
