You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
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