You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
