answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
It's never too late to be topless.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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