WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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