I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Randomize
