Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
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