In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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