Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Randomize
