return my video game
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
