so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
