It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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