i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
Randomize
