I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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