I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
Randomize