just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
