When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
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