My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
