WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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