she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
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