a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
