I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
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