i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
