oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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