Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
