Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Randomize
