In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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