I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
