Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
We hooked up and then we watched game of thrones while he fed me chocolate. I don't see how our benafriendship is a bad thing.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
