I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
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