I'm really into asian looking animals
guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
