erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
