I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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