He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
