There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
