Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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