if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize