Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
