I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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