I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?
By definition I think it does.
So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
