why do cheetos always look like penises
I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
