Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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