me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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