dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
