I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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