I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
Randomize
