so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
